Monday, 6 March 2017
I'm Not Strong
It's true. People think I am. But I really am not strong.
But I do belong to and serve a very Strong God who also happens to be my PapaGod.
Part of my service to him is obedience. Because he loves me and to prove I love him too, I try to always choose obedience.
And to obey God, I can't obey the devil.
And all the devil has been telling me to do is crumple up in a dark corner for the rest of my life. He uses different words but basically the same meaning: You will never find peace or really smile again so why bother? Just give in to the darkness within. Fall down in a heap of tears and give up. Roll over and stop fighting....and some days, the invitation does lure me....seems so much easier.
But no, I refuse it!
Not because I'm strong.
But because I just want to obey God. Because I know him enough all by myself to understand that he loves me still.....and while not being able to call Sholly this evening or any other evening hurts like hell, that unquestionable love is still at play.
So, while I'm not strong, I carry on the inside of me a very big and strong God and daily, since February 22, he's been helping me deal with my days. Like for instance the day I saw this photo on Kuba Gaska's FB profile. Honestly, I think he needs help. A photo of you smoking a cigar. So maybe it was there before Sholly passed, you mean that, in the midst of your grief, you have had time to change it to the second one? Wow. Which of these is the photo of a man grieving the loss of a wife that he loved.
The Strong God in me helps me process my thoughts calmly. Knowing that I need not fret because he's got this. In church today, as I thanked God, I wept as I found myself thanking God Sholly was no longer married to a man who could behave the way Kuba Gąska is behaving. Yes, Sholly, I mean it. From all we have seen since you passed to date, you are better off where you are. The Gąska family never truly loved you. And it breaks my heart to say it. But this photo is the final straw that has broken my 'I believe Kuba loved Sholly' back. Should they choose to break their 'code of silence', the whole Gąska family? They can try to tell me why I'm wrong.
In the mean time, I shall just set my face like a flint in the direction of The One from whom no one can hide. There are steps I need to take in the physical and I'm taking them. But I know that this battle will only truly be won in the spiritual.
Most of the time, my weakness overwhelms me but it is this one assurance that gives me strength.
Sholly, Bliss On o jare Aburo mi.
Rest my Love.
It's OK if I'm not or don't feel strong all the time because our Strong God is Strong all the time, all by Himself and He's got this.
P.S Should any one read this, especially if you are Polish, please look at the two photos above and if you can explain why Kuba would use these as his Facebook profile photos at a time like this and you care to share.. I'm all ears.
*smh* Nkan be.
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