My Dear Sholly
I'm so grateful to God that you are far away from all the drama going on down here right now. As if losing you isn't devastating enough, we are now dealing with your husband, Kuba claiming it was your wish to be cremated. Sholly? Really? Cremated ke? Why would you want that? It's not our culture.
As hard as I find this to believe it's even harder to believe you would not have told me if it were so. You told me everything! We hid nothing from each other! If it is true this 'unholy' discussion about how you wanted to be cremated and about how no one in your family was to be allowed to see your body ever took place, I can only wonder why? Why? Who discusses such things? You were not sick and you are not old. So what would have warranted such a discussion between you and Kuba?
So, in spite of all our pleading with your husband, In spite of us getting the Nigerian embassy in Poland involved and him being directed to hold till a family member gets there and sees you, your husband cremated your body on January 2. Ah! It breaks my heart. How could Kuba do this to me? To my family? Aburo mi? It pains me deeply.
Kuba says you said nobody must see your body. He says you said that only I will be permitted to see you yet he refused to wait for me and my husband to process our visas and conclude travel plans. Truth is, these discussions just boggle the mind! Why were you two discussing this kind of matter? And what's is the evidence?
I am being made to understand that in Poland, Kuba as your husband, has the final say because you have officially taken his last name and that's fine. As horrifying as this cremation idea was to us, we were prepared to honor your supposed wishes. All we asked for was the opportunity to pay you our last respects first as a family. Kuba has denied us of that and for this I leave him and his family to God to mete out vengeance on my behalf.
Yes, Sholly, they must pay for robbing us, me, your SisterMom of closure. For thinking it right that we should travel all the way from Nigeria to look into an urn full of ashes! Ah! What a tragedy this is! How painful!!! My darling, I did not travel to Poland for that. You are not in the ashes. Neither were you in the lifeless body anymore but most people, faiths and cultures I know make provision for a lying in state ceremony during which family and friends of a lost love one can pay their last respects. It soothes them and brings closure.
Why your husband has chosen not to give us this 'gift' is beyond me. To any friends of Kuba reading this, please ask him. Why? Why would he do this to us? Why couldn't he just wait for me to get to Poland?
As much as I don't want to, I just can't help wonder if Kuba and his family are hiding something. Because if there's nothing to hide, why the hurry to cremate Sholly? If there is nothing to hide why the blunt refusal to let a family member see her body on my behalf? Why😭?
I know you Sholly, you would not have wanted to deny me or your family of this. But it's fine, you are here with me in my heart. You are in the hearts of all of us that love you dearly. So we leave your husband to God. The final Judge.
There are many lessons you are teaching us Sholly through all this. Especially we parents and siblings. This is the first and chief: If your child or sibling living abroad meets and chooses to marry a non-African and live far away from home? BEFORE they marry they must visit your home country. So they will understand that your child or sibling has roots, people and didn't drop from the sky! There is no point crying over spoiled milk but how I wish Prof had insisted you visit Nigeria with Kuba. Maybe, then it would not have been so easy for him to disrespect us as he has.
To my dear African woman /any one from any where, married to anyone not from their own country. I believe Sholly's story has a message for you too: Don't live on 'Love Fantasy' island. Stay connected to your roots. Have a will and let one other person apart from your husband know your wishes about the important stuff should you pass. As much as possible, have a relative that knows what's going on in your life. The big stuff like taking out life insurance, building a home, etc. Family back home must have phone numbers and addresses of key friends they can call should you be in trouble and untraceable.
My sister loved her husband. I believe he adored her too. To me, they had a great relationship and as much as she shared everything with me, I see now how wide open I left her. No matter how much he loved her Kuba should not have been allowed to believe he was her only family that mattered. And he felt that way because he didn't 'feel' the presence of her Nigerian family enough.
Sholly, it is well. Because God is still God and I know you are at peace. All this has happened only because God permitted. So while it has left me broken right now, I know that I, Salt will come through this still standing and so will my whole family. One day at a time.
Aburo, ma worry. We will organise a befitting memorial service for you here in Nigeria and by the grace of God, we will all then begin our journey towards healing from this double deep cuts of losing you and dealing with this unnecessary drama. I just thought I should let you know and explain that we did all we could to right this wrong. But God knows best.
Love you Aburo mi Owon!
My Mrs. Gaska!
Sun re o!
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