Wednesday, 18 January 2017

And the cut just got deeper

And the cut got deeper.

My Dear Sholly

I'm so grateful to God that you are far away from all the drama going on down here right now. As if losing you isn't devastating enough, we are now dealing with your husband, Kuba  claiming it was your wish to be cremated. Sholly? Really? Cremated ke? Why would you want that? It's not our culture.

As hard as I find this to believe it's even harder to believe you would not have told me if it were so. You told me everything! We hid nothing from each other! If it is true this 'unholy' discussion about how you wanted to be cremated and about how no one in your family was to be allowed to see your body ever took place, I can only wonder why? Why? Who discusses such things?  You were not sick and you are not old. So what would have warranted such a discussion between you and Kuba?

So, in spite of all our pleading with your husband, In spite of us getting the Nigerian embassy in Poland involved and him being directed to hold till a family member gets there and sees you, your husband cremated your body on January 2. Ah! It breaks my heart. How could Kuba do this to me? To my family? Aburo mi? It pains me deeply.

Kuba says you said nobody must see your body. He says you said that only I will be permitted to see you yet he refused to wait for me and my husband to process our visas and conclude travel plans. Truth is, these discussions just boggle the mind! Why were you two discussing this kind of matter? And what's is the evidence?

I am being made to understand that in Poland, Kuba as your husband, has the final say because you have officially taken his last name and that's fine. As horrifying as this cremation idea was to us, we were prepared to honor your supposed wishes. All we asked for was the opportunity to pay you our last respects first as a family. Kuba has denied us of that and for this I leave him and his family to God to mete out vengeance on my behalf.

Yes, Sholly, they must pay for robbing us, me, your SisterMom of closure. For thinking it right that we should travel all the way from Nigeria to look into an urn full of ashes! Ah! What a tragedy this is! How painful!!! My darling, I did not travel to Poland for that. You are not in the ashes. Neither were you in the lifeless body anymore but most people, faiths and cultures I know make provision for a lying in state ceremony during which family and friends of a lost love one can pay their last respects. It soothes them and brings closure.

Why your husband has  chosen not to give us this 'gift' is beyond me. To any friends of Kuba reading this, please ask him. Why? Why would he do this to us? Why couldn't he just wait for me to get to Poland?
My Aburo, my Cover girl

                                                             Always together. Always.

                                                         My lovely Aburo and I on her wedding day

As much as I don't want to, I just can't help wonder if Kuba and his family are hiding something. Because if there's nothing to hide, why the hurry to cremate Sholly?  If there is nothing to hide why the blunt refusal to let a family member see her body on my behalf? Why😭?

I know you Sholly, you would not have wanted to deny me or your family of this. But it's fine, you are here with me in my heart. You are in the hearts of all of us that love you dearly. So we leave your husband to God. The final Judge.

There are many lessons you are teaching us Sholly through all this. Especially we parents and siblings. This is the first and chief: If your child or sibling living abroad meets and chooses to marry a non-African and live far away from home? BEFORE they marry they must visit your home country. So they will understand that your child or sibling has roots, people and didn't drop from the sky! There is no point crying over spoiled milk but how I wish Prof had insisted you visit Nigeria with Kuba. Maybe, then it would not have been so easy for him to disrespect us as he has.

To my dear African woman /any one from any where, married to anyone not from their own country. I believe Sholly's story has a message for you too: Don't live on 'Love Fantasy' island. Stay connected to your roots. Have a will and let one other person apart from your husband know your wishes about the important stuff should you pass. As much as possible, have a relative that knows what's going on in your life. The big stuff like taking out life insurance, building a home, etc. Family back home must have phone numbers and addresses of key friends they can call should you be in trouble and untraceable.

My sister loved her husband. I believe he adored her too.  To me, they had a great relationship and as much as she shared everything with me, I see now how wide open I left her. No matter how much he loved her Kuba should not have been allowed to believe he was her only family that mattered. And he felt that way because he didn't 'feel' the presence of her Nigerian family enough.

*exhaling*

Sholly, it is well. Because God is still God and I know you are at peace. All this has happened only because God permitted. So while it has left me broken right now, I know that I, Salt will come through this still standing and so will my whole family. One day at a time.

Aburo, ma worry. We will organise a befitting memorial service for you here in Nigeria and by the grace of God, we will all then begin our journey towards healing from this double deep cuts of losing you and dealing with this unnecessary drama. I just thought I should let you know and explain that we did all we could to right this wrong. But God knows best.

Love you Aburo mi Owon!
My Mrs. Gaska!
Sun re o!
Iwo wa!
💔💔💔💔

Please visit Sholly's memorial page on Facebook
Please sign our #JusticeForSholly petition
Thank you.

24 comments:

  1. Uchay Ifediniru-Onuakalusi19 January 2017 at 01:47

    My sincere condolences ma'am. I'm tearing up reading this. I won't blame you for suspecting foul play in her death, the circumstances smell too fishy. No matter how he didn't 'feel' her Nigerian family, this is all too much.

    I pray your family is able to find closure in all these. Stay strong.

    God comforts you all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Uchay Ifediniru-Onuakalusi19 January 2017 at 01:48

    My sincere condolences ma'am. I'm tearing up reading this. I won't blame you for suspecting foul play in her death, the circumstances smell too fishy. No matter how he didn't 'feel' her Nigerian family, this is all too much.

    I pray your family is able to find closure in all these. Stay strong.

    God comforts you all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry.
    May the Holy Spirit comfort you and your family in this time.
    in Jesus name, amen.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aunty Salt God will help you and your family get through this and surely justice must prevail ... Like Paul young wrote 'he suffered great loss as a child and young adult,and now enjoys the wastefulness of grace' . I know amidst this tragedy God will perfect all that concerns you and your family. ❤️

    ReplyDelete
  5. My dear, much as it hurts, there are some things we Africans hold tightly to, that Caucasians don't. This way, Sholly's remains would not need to remain outside African soil, as would have been the case if she was interred in Poland. I see a silver lining somewhere in there. Please hold Kuba's hand and help him to overcome some of the grief he is also feeling. Sholly was with you longer than she was with him....where should he begin to pick up the pieces of his life now that his love has left him? God be with you and I hope you will remove your petition. *blows a kiss*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Folashade,
      I am trying to understand your thoughts and failing woefully!

      There's such a thing as improving silence in situations.

      What the fuck are you going on about?

      How dare you trivialize someone's pains?

      Did you read, really read the piece and with understanding??

      Could you not 'read and pass' a la 'jump and pass' style?

      Waka pass is an option that makes even folks otherwise not look wise.

      Did you weigh your words and its likely import?

      Much as you are entitled to your bloody opinions, keeping them to yourself is wisdom!

      As bloody much as it hurts??

      Do you even have the foggiest??

      Can you read your thought again rationally and look yourself in the mirror??

      You didn't need to drop a comment you know.??

      Dear Salt,
      my apologies for my language and all...

      I saw red, reading this tastelessness of varied proportions...

      Delete
    2. Seriously I do not understand what perspective you are viewing this from.
      This is one of the times when it is better to remain silent and have people doubt your stupidity instead of speaking just to confirm how well advanced your stupidit is.
      Come on, this a family in grief that is trying to come to terms with the loss of one of their own.

      Delete
    3. Folashade, your post is annoying. Pls waka pass if you have nothing sensible to write.

      Delete
    4. Uchay Ifediniru Onuakalusi1 February 2017 at 01:10

      This is very inappropriate Folashade. Please apologise to Aunty Salt! Haba!

      Delete
  6. What kind I say? This is painful! Painful!! Only God has the 360 degree perspective. You have cared deeply and well for your sister in her lifetime, to the best of your ability. God will honour you for that. May His soothing hands enfold your heart until it completely heals.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Aunty,
    Still don't know what to say, but I'm hugging you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hugs for you Bola. I pray for you all the time. May God comfort you at this difficult time. I am saving all the pictures of Shola that I can find. When I look at them, I can see the joy and peace in her eyes. I only want to focus on the bubble of light that Sholly baby was. It hurts...but I am holding on to God's peace. ((Hugs)).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bimbo darling, ive signed the petition and still confused and sad at Shola's death and even cremation. I pray our Father in heaven will comfort you and help bring justice for dear Sholly. God bless you my sister. Be strong in the LORD and on the power of HIS might.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so so sorry. This story broke my heart. Such a pretty young lady. Why would this happen? May God comfort your family at this time. We commit our dear sis into your hands oh Lord. You know best, Father..... RIP Shola.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Salt, I was shocked to see this story on the net. I can't even imagine what you are going through seeing your previous posts on your sister. May the Balm of Gilead soothe your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Extremely painful! May the lord comfort you at this difficult time!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Extremely painful! May the lord comfort you at this difficult time!

    ReplyDelete

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Gracias!
Salt.

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