Sunday, 9 February 2014
How? Who? Why? And Other Questions.
How do you get over losing a loved one? I am not sure why but knowing that my Papa, my Prof is no longer a call or an sms away is one of the hardest realities I have had to face in recent times. I have had some people tell me to 'get over it quickly' and it takes all I have in me to not ask them sarcastically 'how quickly?'. I mean, how do I get over my dad's passing quickly especially when he has been there for me, as earthly mom and dad since I was eighteen? How do I do 'quickly'? As I sit here typing these words, my heart is broken in a zillion pieces and every fibre of my being is in pain. How could planning your home-going be so fraught with this much pain Papa? How do I cope with all this?
Who,on this God-given earth, do I call Papa now? Who will stand by and support me unconditionally now? Prof, you were my number one supporter and even when I hurt you, you never turned your back on me. You never said a mean word to me. True, in my younger days, you did 'disown' me at least five times and looking back I see now that your anger in those times was never about you. It was always about me not fully understanding my role as first born. I just wanted to be free to be me and party. You wanted me to be responsible. So now, who will I buy ogi to make eko for now? Who will I share news about the factory and ICE and the issues we are having with? Who will call/sms me at midnight on my birthday and wedding anniversary now? Who will I call Papa now?
Why must planning a burial in our culture be such an emotionally draining slash bizarre experience? I sat there wondering if my ears were hearing right. Are we planning to say farewell to someone who died or are we planning for something else? Like maybe a fiesta or a feast for all or perhaps a bazaar even. Still, peace be still to my heart and mind for I understand it could have been worse. I just thank God for my Uncle James who was almost as scandalised as I was and helped us push back as required. Why do people seem to look at you and forget that you must be hurting and just want you to be 'reasonable' about everything. My papa is dead. I cannot be reasonable because my emotions are all over the place. Why can't people see this and cut me some slack? Perhaps there are people out there who can be 'automatically ' objective about it all but I am not one of them. I need to be allowed to go off in an emotion-laden tangent. Eventually, in my own time, my common sense will take over the reins from my emotions and reason will prevail. Why people say they care but do everything possible to hurt you? Why do such people then think saying sorry is enough? Why do I feel so alone in the midst of so many people? Why has this blog taken this turn?
How? Who? Why? All these questions.....I guess the answers my dear one are blowing in the wind.
Nevertheless, there is one question I know the answer to. Who loves me unquestionably?
And He, it is, that has gone ahead of me to make all that concerns my Papa, my Prof's home-going perfect and beautiful. It may all look like a blur now but I am God-fident that all is well. So Papa, keep resting in peace. God has got our back as Eloho says to me all the time. Yes, God has got my back even if I don't know the answers to all these questions.
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