Friday, 11 January 2013

Imagine Them Dying

If I knew he would die tomorrow, would this still matter?.
I know, it does sound a tad morbid this blog title of mine but hopefully as you read, it will not sound so melodramatic (or maybe not actually *smiling*). But do read on please. 

I was watching one of my favorite movies of all times, The Steel Magnolias, today. I love all the main women but of all of them, I loved the character played by Shirley MacClaine the most. But this post is not about her so I shall move on swiftly. This blog is about you and I and how we are going to manage/handle our  key relationships in 2013. I have an idea that I believe will help us put things in perspective when things go awry and tensions rise and vexation comes between us and the people we care about and love the most. My idea is simple really. Just imagine them dying.

Imagine yourself faced with the reality that the person, your spouse or estranged mother or ex-best friend or grown-up child with whom you have been vexing with for ages had just one month to live. Yes, close your eyes and imagine the person dying. Would that problem, that quarrel, that bone of contention, that rift, that argument, that irritating habit that just ticks you off and keeps causing spats, will it matter anymore? If it will not, then take a deep breath in, exhale and let go, let love and move on with your life, creating as many good memories as you can with said person!

You see, as I watched this movie, tears coursing down my cheeks (again! you would think that after watching it over 10 times this would not happen anymore. For where!) grieving with Jackson, Shelby's husband. As I watched him walking like a moron in a daze from the grave site after his young and beautiful Shelby (played by Julia Roberts) had been buried, this was the thought that dropped in my spirit. He looked so lost, so pained, so grief-stricken. He had lost the love of his life and somehow I just knew that had there been any issues between him and his wife, none of them would have mattered anymore if he could only have her back with him, alive and well. 

I just thought to myself this could be an effective way to keep me from holding on to 'stuff' for too long. When those storms come in my relationships, cos they will come, I shall, God helping me, step back and ask myself this question: If this person was dying would this still matter so much? I mean what on earth could be so huge that the prospect of losing the person doesn't have the power to diffuse or neutralize it?

May our God, the One that gives and sustains life keep all our loved ones alive and well in Jesus name. Amen! I cannot bear the thought of losing any one in my family this year or any year for that matter BUT I really believe that letting go of stuff , especially in the relationships that mean a lot to us, should be easier in 2013 if we let this question help us clear the fog that tends to prevent us from keeping our focus on what really matters. Don't you think?

21 comments:

  1. Amen! But, sometimes, letting go is the most difficult thing to do.

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    1. Yes, I know Eya.......but do you still feel so 'wronged' when you think of the person being dead? Of never being able to say you forgive them? Of never being able to smile at them? Does the reason for the wrong carry more weight than your love for the person? Even at the point of them dying?

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    2. Like Eya said, it's sometimes hard to let go, but indeed, at death regrets of not having able to forgive may turn around to hunt. We shld never struggle in these things bcos if we ask, the Holy Spirit is ever available to help. Thank you dear Salt!

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  2. What a different perspective to view this from! Hmm! infact, double Hmm. The Holy Spirit sure has so much to do in us (that is just when you think you are getting better... improving in various ways) Lord help us to let go when we should, mbok!

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    1. Abasi mbok o! I read once that God sees us a exquisite roses, and rose bushes need to be pruned regularly to improve the growth and fragrance......So you are right, just when you think 'phew' I passed that class, we find ourselves faced with another class......

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  3. Some people hurt you so much though and letting go seems like a Herculean task but God is able and willing to give us grace to forgive so I guess we should always remember that... And yes that title got me squirmish before I read the full thing. Lol.

    Happy new year Salt!

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  4. Mstizzle: True, they cut to the bone. But even if you cannot let it go for them. Let it go for YOU. Not forgiving them is just lie drinking poison and hoping they will die! Happy New Year Mstizzzle! God smile on you and may you live to make God smile.

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  5. At the rate tips on how to be a better person is being churned out on blogville this year, I am going to be a much better me .

    Unconditional love is difficult especially when the other person is doing like they don't want you in their life.

    Dear God, I need your grace to put into practice all I have read since the beginning of this year in Jesus name. Amen

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    1. Indeed Sykik, indeed. We are all so good and sharing tips and that is not a bad thing. Maybe one more tip we should put out there is: Don't just preach it. Live it.

      Can you imagine what a better place this world would be? What better people we will be?

      My dear, you can love someone unconditionally from a distance. As long as you have not yet married this person, I don't think agape love requires you stay in an unhappy relationship. Now, if you are in marriage where your spouse is doing like s/he does not want you in his/her life.....hmmm......my views on this are very very old school.......lol!

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  6. Love this post. Salty one.

    Happy new year btw! Towards the end of last year, God really worked on me in this area. My prayer was to learn to love like Jesus. I think about how Jesus dealt with Judas which I think of as the ultimate betrayal, whatever hurts people have caused us, the fact that we have the opportunity to read this blog and perhaps respond, speaks to the fact that we have not been betrayed to the point of death.

    Jesus knew what Judas was planning. He wasn't living in denial. He called him out on it, at the last supper and again when he kissed him to identify him. Yet, even after calling him out at supper, he broke bread with him and when he asked him, would he betray the son of man with a kiss, I believe he spoke out of the pain and hurt but also with compassion and sadness because he also knew what his fate would be.

    I am by nature extremely sensitive, I believe it is the flipside of the coin of creativity and the other side of my ability to love deeply. However even as I recognized my nature, God keeps calling me to walk according to His nature and yield to His working in me.

    And so last year, he started teaching me to really let go. To learn how not to let the hurt gain a foothold in the first place, to exhale when exposed to people's humanities and to learn to see them through God's eyes. It is as always a work in progress, but I can testify to this one thing.

    It brings peace. And the bible says that the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds. So I want to leave you with this.
    Salt, I continue to rejoice for the work God is doing in your life, I am living in the expectancy of great things to come.
    And for anyone who is struggling with forgiveness and letting go. Do it. That you may have peace. That peace is vital! It will GUARD your hearts and minds. Guard against depression, guard against bitterness, guard against the forces of evil that influence men to do abominable acts.

    Live well, love with abandon and be in peace!

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    1. Happy New Year Ekene! Always makes me smile to hear from you. Always. Your comment is just the 'gbam' to this post. None of what we have said here is easy to do but like you said there is a peace that comes with letting go of it all. I am thankful to God for being able to come to where I am today on this journey cos sometimes I feel the bile rise up in me again but it happens less. I am also happy for your journey too. Grateful in fact.

      May the Holy Spirit continue to help us with this and in any other way that will enable us 'express the God in us' more excellently in 2013 and beyond. in Jesus name. Amen!

      Thanks for coming by and for your words of encouragement. Deeply appreciated!

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  7. I love this post and I surely have never looked at life from this angle...thank you for this post.

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    1. I thank you for coming by Lara. I thank God for letting this speak to you. Hope to see you again here.

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  8. I lost a very close friend last year. He was at the Naija Sista hangout at VI. It was a very painful experience just hearing about his demise. If I had perhaps imagined him dying, I would have prayed harder and begged God for mercy. It is very hard to understand and accept it is God's will to let young people die. But in all of it I say may God be praised! Thanks for this blog post ma. May God grant us the wisdom to focus on what really matters and appreciate those He brings into our lives and not leave too many "thank you for being a great friend" for the later, which I just learned might be too late.

    Please is "Diary of a desperate Naija woman" 2011 available locally?

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    1. Oh no! Who is that Salty? Don't tell me it was one of the guys sitting with you on your table? That is so sad to hear. I am so sorry for your loss. May God grant his family the hearts to bear this cos only God can heal such pains. I hope you are not blaming yourself love. None of us knows why loved ones, especially young ones, die. Till now I am still trying to get over the death of the 27 year old doctor that was shot dead on Ikorodu road! I don't know him but the story just ripped my heart in two. I wept for his mom and only surviving sister and I cannot lie, I have asked God why too? Why would you let that happen......He reminded me of the words I read in The Shack. God does not make evil happen....but he is able to work through the evil that men do and bring out great and beautiful things. That is my prayer for your friend ( I hope it is not Taiwo o?) and this young Doctor Imole (or was he Irawo? I forget now). They had such awesome names these two brothers. Anyway, Salty, God will help you heal, OK just release it all to him. Yes, the 2011 Diary is on sale at Laterna. Great to 'see' you again!

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  9. What If You Have Forgiven But Don't Want To Have Anything To Do With The Person?Must You Break Bread With Someone You Know Hates You Or Wants To Hurt You?

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    1. Personally Anonymous, Forgiveness, for me, does not mean relationship. I have even said this here before. That I forgive a person does not mean I need to resume a friendship/relationship with the person. Do you know, forgiving them does not even make them right, it makes you FREE. That is why it is a must do. The Unforgiveness gate is locked from the inside and both you and the person you are hating/vexing with are both its prisoners! Why would you want that? Let's forgive them sincerely and move on with our lives.......As time goes on, you never know what God's love in you can make you do......You just never know.....Thanks for coming by.

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    2. Gosh, that is Rhema right there! 'Forgiveness does not mean relationship'. So true, and I think that's what holds us back from letting go - thinking that things have to go back to what they were before the rift. Sometimes, that can happen, but not always. Forgiveness for me just means giving up my right to be upset at the person/get them back...and a conscious decision to treat that person with kindness and respect.

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    3. Welcome Onyih! No, that I forgive you does not mean we have to re nurture a relationship....in some cases you even try but things are just not the same so you just let things flow apart naturally knowing that if a time came when you could genuinely help.....you would make a choice to do so.....but like you said it would have to be a conscious decision......Thanks for coming by Onyih.

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  10. I really don't know how this is speaking to me today,but i know right now i am not in the best place at all (I think i just lost the person i love forever) and i've been praying for peace in my spirit. The circumstance surrounding my visiting her today, I can't say this automatically brought it, but i know i was meant to read this. for whatever reason i have no idea.

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  11. @Tommie: Peace be still. Be still Tomilola. I pray God will continue to speak to your heart on whatever it is that is troubling your peace. I don't know if you mean loss as in death or loss as in a relationship ending. But that does not matter, cos God knows ALL about you....Trust him to help you....and He will. Praying for and with you....OK?

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Salt.

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