Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Can You Hear Your Mom's Voice In Your Head?

It is my mom's birthday today. Or, it was her birthday three days ago. Like I have said before, it does not really matter if it was today or three days ago because my mom is dead. Does that sound too brutal? Just saying she is dead like that? Should I have said 'she  passed away' or that 'she is no longer with us' or some other euphemism for death? Forgive me, I just don't have the emotional intelligence for that at the moment. She is dead, dead, dead! And it hurts, hurts, hurts! You would think that after  twenty-six years, it would get easier but in my case it has not and I think it is because the older I have gotten, the more intensely I have wanted my mom around me I believe that mom-daughter relationships tend to mature, flourish and deepen with age so I feel I am missing out on something truly vital somehow.

Anyway, to make my self feel better today I began to play a game in my mind as I watched my two younger ones swimming in the clear blue water of the estate club pool. Easy game it was or so I thought. I was going to see if I could play back my mom's voice in my head. I closed my eyes and tried to pull up the chords from the recesses of my memory and....nothing! What? I opened my eyes in shock and blinked rapidly as the horror of it hit me. Come on, this game was meant to make me feel better. How could I not remember how my mom sounded? But there it was, the truth. Try as I might, I could not.

But God is merciful cos he probably knew I would be in a bad place after this my 'fun game gone bad' experience so he threw me a lifeline of sorts. Though I could not remember her voice from the last time she said something to me I could remember her voice from the video recording of Mrs. Gaska's fifth birthday party! Thank you Lord, Yes, I could hear her voice in my head quite clearly and I even remembered the exact words "Hey! We are not boxing here o!''.  A little boy and my Papa, my Prof were 'play boxing' and her words were directed at the wannabe Mohammed Ali and Spike Lee duo. As I replayed the words, I could still hear the laughter in her voice. I exhaled in relief. It felt priceless. Just priceless. 

So funny, the things we take for granted about the important people in our lives now when they are alive that then become priceless when they are gone. No longer with us. Dead.

Tell me, if your mom is still with us, when you close your eyes, can you hear her voice in your head? 

No? I strongly suggest you go to her, call her, skype her now and begin today, to get that voice indelibly saved on the hard disk of your heart. Unless of course, you want to end up like me someday -  a teary-faced forty-*cough* year old woman trying desperately to remember what her mom sounded like?

Not a pretty picture I tell you.

Still, I brag on God. Through it all, he's been unbelievably true and good.

In loving memory of my Mom, Monisola whose birthday it is today (or was three days ago. )

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